Whenever I’m having a bad day, I look at this shirt and immediately cheer up.
Why “That’s My Boy” Deserves The Razzie For Worst Picture
[Warning: Contains plot spoilers, although the news that this movie is terrible should come as no spoiler.]
Adam Sandler’s most recent comedy crapfest, That’s My Boy, raked in all kinds of nominations for this year’s Razzies:
- Worst Director (Sean Anders)
- Worst Actor (Sandler)
- Worst Supporting Actor (Nick Swardson)
- Worst Screen Ensemble
- Worst Screenplay
- Worst Screen Couple (Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg, Leighton Meester or Susan Sarandon)
- Worst Picture
It fully deserves to win all of these as well as for several other categories I just made up, including:
- Worst Use of An Unrecognizable Accent Even For An Adam Sandler Movie (Sandler)
- Worst Acting By An NFL Coach (Rex Ryan)
- Most Plotlines That End Up Going Absolutely Nowhere
- Worst Use Of D-List Celebrities For Cheap Laughs (Vanilla Ice, Tony Orlando)
- Worst Performance By Someone Who Wasn’t Actually In The Movie But You Were Constantly Worried Would Be (Rob Schneider)
But of all the categories, real and made up, Worst Picture is the one That’s My Boy deserves most. Here’s why. For the most part, That’s My Boy is your pretty standard auto-pilot Sandler comedy: Sandler and pals phone it in for 2 hours, make a few jokes about boners, say the word “retarded,” shotgun a case of beers, and the actors drive back to their Hollywood homes in cars filled with money. But there is one plotline in this movie that is as unsettling as it is unfunny.
In short, the gist of the movie is that Adam Sandler is a fuck-up of a dad to his anal retentive son, Andy Samberg, who is getting married to some actress whose name I don’t know. Sandler, believing No Name Actress to be unfaithful, decides to spy on her and indeed catches her in bed with another man. And here’s where the spoiler comes in: It’s her brother (played by Milo Ventimiglia). Yeah, she is fucking her brother. That’s the big reveal.
Now listen, I’m not above watching low brow, shock value comedy by any means. If I see the Jackass dudes stapling their balls to a steer, I will lose my shit. I will laugh heartily about it for the rest of the night and then when you see me several days later, I will remind you of how funny it was, citing specific details about their balls, and saying things like, “Hey, remember when those Jackass guys stapled their balls to a steer? How funny was that?!”. But if you show me a scene of a woman passionately riding her own brother, call me old-fashioned, but I’m gonna be less than jazzed about it.
Am I saying incest is never ever funny? No, maybe it could be. But Sandler’s in-your-face, “Oh my gawd, here’s some incest, ain’t dat facking hilarious?!?” delivery is damn sure not the way to find out. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you’re better than this, Adam Sandler. This is a new low for you, lower than being in a movie with David Spade.
So that’s why That’s My Boy deserves this year’s Worst Picture Razzie. Incest. And while I haven’t seen the other films nominated,I can say with a good degree of certainty that as terrible as they all look (except for The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure, which sounds wonderful, whatever it is), none of them subject viewers to a scene of gratuitous brother-sister fucking. So, thanks for that, Battleship.
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I don’t like headphones
Since my account keeps getting hacked and posting a bunch of nonsense about headphones, I would like to go on record and say that I would never, ever recommend you headphones. Spending more than $15 on headphones makes about as much sense as putting putting diamonds on a stunt car that’s just going to get driven off a building into a helicopter by some poor Jason Statham look-alike while the real Jason Statham sits in his air-conditioned trailer eating a panini. In summary, headphones are a waste of money and I don’t like being hacked. And Jason Statham movies are pretty cool.
